The Rubber Band Theory: Why Pulling Away Is Biological, Not Personal
He isn't punishing you. He is regulating. Learn the science behind 'Deactivating Strategies' and why chasing makes the rubber band snap.
It happens like clockwork. You have a great weekend together. The intimacy is high, the connection feels solid. And then—Monday comes, and he goes silent.
The texts get shorter. The replies take hours. You feel the knot in your stomach tighten.
“Did I say something wrong?” “Is he losing interest?” “Is he talking to someone else?”
If you have an Anxious Attachment style, this silence feels like a fire alarm. Your brain interprets the lack of data as a “State of Emergency.”
But if your partner has an Avoidant Attachment style, he isn’t leaving. He is just “stretching.”
The Rubber Band Mechanics
Imagine your relationship is a rubber band held between two people.
When you are close (intimacy), the rubber band is slack. It’s comfortable. But for an Avoidant partner, too much slack can feel suffocating. They fear engulfment—the loss of their independence.
So they pull away. They stretch the band.
This is the crucial moment.
The “Chasing” Mistake
When you (the Anxious partner) feel the band stretch, you panic. You instinctively step forward to close the gap.
- You send a double text.
- You ask, “Are we okay?”
- You try to “fix” the distance.
What happens to the rubber band? You introduced more slack. The Avoidant partner, who pulled away specifically to get tautness (space), now feels the slack again. So they must pull away further to get the relief they need.
The more you chase, the further they must run to regulate their nervous system.
The “Flooding” vs. “Stonewalling” Trap
The Anxious Experience (Flooding)
Your heart rate spikes (>100 BPM). Your amygdala (threat center) hijacks your logic. You feel you must act now to survive the abandonment.
The Avoidant Experience (Bunker)
They are also flooded, but their shutdowns look like "The Bunker." They go offline to lower their heart rate. They aren't punishing you; they are trying not to snap.
So, What Do You Do? (The Solution)
You must master the art of Stand Still.
When the rubber band stretches, do not move forward. Do not chase. Do not text. Do not ask for reassurance.
If you stand still, the rubber band creates Tension. Tension is not bad. Tension is what pulls things back together.
If you let him reach the end of his stretch without chasing him, he will eventually feel the tension. He will realize, “Oh, she’s far away.” And the natural elasticity of the bond will pull him back to you.
He returns because he wants to, not because you forced him.
But… It’s Hard.
We know. Standing still when your body screams “Run!” is excruciating. This difference in perception—the Intent-Impact Gap—is why 80% of anxious-avoidant couples break up unnecessarily.
You are telling yourself a story (“He doesn’t love me”) when the data says something else (“He is regulating”).
Stop guessing. Start mapping. We built a tool to visualize exactly where you and your partner fall on this spectrum. It shows you the “Gap” between your panic and his withdrawal, so you can stop fighting biology.
Take the Quiz: What is your ‘Fight Style’? (Join the waitlist to get your 5-minute diagnosis).